Kill the compulsion God to be always on the prowl. Always looking. Always compiling a list of possibilities. Always thinking too much of someone who doesn’t think of me. Always, always, always, always disappointed and exhausted emotionally from all the work of looking and waiting. And it would be so easy for You to end it all. To send the one I am waiting for, searching for seemingly cannot live without or the compulsion to find him wouldn’t be so persistent.
We are living among emotional landmines and all the time being blown to pieces. Thrown all over the world of hurt and then we get ourselves a little bit back together and go back for more. Hoping maybe next time we'll make it through without getting killed again. That maybe next time you will answer our prayers. That you will bring us to him or him to us before it’s too late. Too late to have kids. Before we have no strength left and are overrun with bitterness and resignation. Before we decide to become an agnostic after all.
Kill the compulsion God because it is killing me.
Sunday, December 31, 2006
Thursday, December 28, 2006
Turning 33
My Birthday has now come and gone. I'll admit turning 33 was hard one to take. I thought I got it all out of my system 3 months ago, but the week preceding my big day on Dec. 22 wasn't pretty. I cried in the bathroom a work. I cried in the shower and at bedtime and at the chiropractor's.
My college friend says it best and it’s the reason for so many tears:
But there is nothing else to do but enjoy what we do have... and stay young in our heart instead of depressed. So... on my birthday...
My college friend says it best and it’s the reason for so many tears:
"Well- chin up girl. I know all about turning 33. 34 is in 5 months for me. My best friend is giving birth. 3 other friends are pregnant, others getting married, others loving being a stay at home mom. And here I am working hard because I have to. It does not seem fair but God has not lead me to a man to marry yet. So, here I will be ‘til then I guess."Yeah that sums it up Friend. And I bang my head against the wall to figure out why it has to be this way, when I know that both of us are good women who long to be wives & mothers.
But there is nothing else to do but enjoy what we do have... and stay young in our heart instead of depressed. So... on my birthday...
- My roommate laid out beautiful breakfast then we went ice skating!
- For lunch we drank mimosas and ate fried hotdogs.
- I got a new haircut (of which I am very pleased.)
- Then, I went to dinner with 3 friends and a baby and they made me a pink cake (never had a pink cake before).
All in all it was a pleasant day. Thank God for that!
Switching...
If things look different it's because Janel is helping me switch to the new Blogger. Hopefully things will be back to normal SOON.
Thursday, December 07, 2006
My Day Off
I had a lot planned for my day off yesterday: blood test, Verizon tech. coming to fix our DSL, baking cookies, and making ravioli - one of my 101 things to do in the next 1001 days.
I got up early. It is amazing how much easier it is to get out bed when you are about to do something you really want to do. What I wanted to do was get busy cooking, in order to do that I had to get to the lab for a blood test. The first place I went to couldn't take me... wrong forms for my insurance :-{
So I went to another lab. I walk in and there are only 2 people there -the phlebotomists. I saw one of them asleep against the wall and I said to myself, "This doesn't good." Just as I about to go get my blood drawn by "Dopey" Verizon called me. I'll spare you the details of incompetence and misinformation from Verizon; however, the actual tech guy did a great job! So back to the blood test with Dopey... I said to her,"Are you sure you are awake?" She said, "Yeah, I was just making poetry in my head." Oh brother....
Well, before I knew it she was making blood drip all over my arm. So she had to go to the other arm where I could *feel* her changing the vials each time. By the time she was done I was near to passing out. I was lightheaded and clammy. I had to sit there for a full 5 minutes to get myself back together again.
Making the ravioli was a lot more fun -although a lot of work! I will blog on the CWP about that, I think people will appreciate the recipes I made up as I went along the way. I will tell you mom and I made about 200. They are delicious. We still had a little bit of energy to go buy a "white elephant" gift for a Christmas Eve party.
All in all it was a good day off, very productive and I love productive days!
I got up early. It is amazing how much easier it is to get out bed when you are about to do something you really want to do. What I wanted to do was get busy cooking, in order to do that I had to get to the lab for a blood test. The first place I went to couldn't take me... wrong forms for my insurance :-{
So I went to another lab. I walk in and there are only 2 people there -the phlebotomists. I saw one of them asleep against the wall and I said to myself, "This doesn't good." Just as I about to go get my blood drawn by "Dopey" Verizon called me. I'll spare you the details of incompetence and misinformation from Verizon; however, the actual tech guy did a great job! So back to the blood test with Dopey... I said to her,"Are you sure you are awake?" She said, "Yeah, I was just making poetry in my head." Oh brother....
Well, before I knew it she was making blood drip all over my arm. So she had to go to the other arm where I could *feel* her changing the vials each time. By the time she was done I was near to passing out. I was lightheaded and clammy. I had to sit there for a full 5 minutes to get myself back together again.
Making the ravioli was a lot more fun -although a lot of work! I will blog on the CWP about that, I think people will appreciate the recipes I made up as I went along the way. I will tell you mom and I made about 200. They are delicious. We still had a little bit of energy to go buy a "white elephant" gift for a Christmas Eve party.
All in all it was a good day off, very productive and I love productive days!
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
The Reunion
The reunion for which I was in angst over for months has now come and gone.
Now I must say that I did not have PMS. If I had the results may have been entirely different. Only 9 people from our class of 60something showed up. The people I most wanted to see weren't there but then neither were the people I least wanted to see. I wasn't the only "still single" there either, which was surprising and also encouraging. I was truly amazed at how people "haven't changed" and yet you know they have because all those pretenses and cliques that ruled high school life had sort of slipped away. I guess the true test would be how it would feel and what would be said -if anything- if the people we/I least wanted to see came.
That's when you find out who's changed for the better and who is still the same for real.
Overall, it was fine. I was glad Carrie went. Not sure I could have done it on my own even without PMS!
Now I must say that I did not have PMS. If I had the results may have been entirely different. Only 9 people from our class of 60something showed up. The people I most wanted to see weren't there but then neither were the people I least wanted to see. I wasn't the only "still single" there either, which was surprising and also encouraging. I was truly amazed at how people "haven't changed" and yet you know they have because all those pretenses and cliques that ruled high school life had sort of slipped away. I guess the true test would be how it would feel and what would be said -if anything- if the people we/I least wanted to see came.
That's when you find out who's changed for the better and who is still the same for real.
Overall, it was fine. I was glad Carrie went. Not sure I could have done it on my own even without PMS!
The Nerve of Flies and Monkeys
You got have nerve. Some have too much. Take for instance the plague of flies we had in the office yesterday. They had the nerve to invade my oatmeal! There must have be 20 or more flying around. It seemed like every time you killed one 2 more appeared.
As I am not a true Presbyterian -though I work for them - I took matters into my own hands rather than waiting for Session to approve the measure ;-) I went to the hardware store and bought fly tape and a fly swatter. The swatter worked well; we passed it back and forth. The fly tape hasn't caught a single fly! Today, it seems we are down to only 3 flies, I can handle that many. But let me tell you yesterday I was unnerved. I don't like things buzzing in my ears and I think flies are detestable creatures. I would not have survived the 10 plagues in Egypt!
The nerve of the flies unnerved me. My nerves were already a little frayed because of the nerve of a man - stirring the pot again- after months had gone by since the last time he stood me up and gave me neither an explanation nor an apology. But that's not the monkey part...
We have these monkeys disguised as men climbing all over the steel erector set they are building that will someday house Sunday school classrooms and a new church office. They make me a nervous wreck watching them climb all over these steel beams. I am praying the whole time I am watching them wondering also if they are truly part monkey. Add to the visual image the fact that it is cold and they are wearing thick gloves and they aren't small men, but they are maneuvering themselves like a monkey gymnasts!
So you got have nerve to climb on steel beams without so much a strip of fly tape keep you from falling... but this girl doesn't have that kind of nerve!
But I do have the nerve to say "no" to getting caught again in a trap that has yielded me more hurt and frustration than fun or joy.
As I am not a true Presbyterian -though I work for them - I took matters into my own hands rather than waiting for Session to approve the measure ;-) I went to the hardware store and bought fly tape and a fly swatter. The swatter worked well; we passed it back and forth. The fly tape hasn't caught a single fly! Today, it seems we are down to only 3 flies, I can handle that many. But let me tell you yesterday I was unnerved. I don't like things buzzing in my ears and I think flies are detestable creatures. I would not have survived the 10 plagues in Egypt!
The nerve of the flies unnerved me. My nerves were already a little frayed because of the nerve of a man - stirring the pot again- after months had gone by since the last time he stood me up and gave me neither an explanation nor an apology. But that's not the monkey part...
We have these monkeys disguised as men climbing all over the steel erector set they are building that will someday house Sunday school classrooms and a new church office. They make me a nervous wreck watching them climb all over these steel beams. I am praying the whole time I am watching them wondering also if they are truly part monkey. Add to the visual image the fact that it is cold and they are wearing thick gloves and they aren't small men, but they are maneuvering themselves like a monkey gymnasts!
So you got have nerve to climb on steel beams without so much a strip of fly tape keep you from falling... but this girl doesn't have that kind of nerve!
But I do have the nerve to say "no" to getting caught again in a trap that has yielded me more hurt and frustration than fun or joy.
Monday, November 06, 2006
Egg Shells and such
I am moved by by Sara Grove's song "Like A Skin." BUY CD
The butterfly can just look back
Flap those wings and say Oh, yeah
I never have to be a worm again
The process of wiggling or pecking out a shell can be slow and exhausting. The struggle to get out of the shell can all but kill you too. But those that succeed are all the stronger because of the struggle. And like the song goes you "never have to be a worm again" or an egg of any kind.
To hide when in danger is such a natural reaction, but surviving danger and learning from it that is what adds the richness and wisdom to our life. That is what enables us to face bigger and craftier lizards in the future. Like struggling to get out the shell it can at times be equally hard to not squirm back to the shell. It can be hard not to want to be a worm again.
So I am wiggling, trying to free my wings to fly with freedom and hoping I won't long for the silence and supposed safety of being a worm or someone bound inside of an egg.
The butterfly can just look back
Flap those wings and say Oh, yeah
I never have to be a worm again
The process of wiggling or pecking out a shell can be slow and exhausting. The struggle to get out of the shell can all but kill you too. But those that succeed are all the stronger because of the struggle. And like the song goes you "never have to be a worm again" or an egg of any kind.
And yet...
On PBS last night, I saw a baby monitor lizard trying to climb back into its shell to protect itself from a very hungry and much bigger lizard. Interesting to me is that the little lizard thought it would be safe in there. Maybe it didn't know the big lizard eats eggs too. Perhaps he wouldn't see the the lizard zeroing in on his egg shell and that would be comfort enough. Then, it would be over before he even knew it.To hide when in danger is such a natural reaction, but surviving danger and learning from it that is what adds the richness and wisdom to our life. That is what enables us to face bigger and craftier lizards in the future. Like struggling to get out the shell it can at times be equally hard to not squirm back to the shell. It can be hard not to want to be a worm again.
So I am wiggling, trying to free my wings to fly with freedom and hoping I won't long for the silence and supposed safety of being a worm or someone bound inside of an egg.
Sunday, October 22, 2006
Ignorance is Bliss
"Ignorance is Bliss" so the saying goes. Whoever said it was right. There are some things that will eventually come to light anyhow that we are better off not knowing right now. Tonight I learned something and now knowing "it" just irks me. I felt better not knowing because now I am full of wondering what it means. Does what I know mean what I think? Does what I know have a logical explanation that wouldn't make me upset. I feel upset now I wish I didn't know...
Also, today I was reminded of something I did that I want to forget. An image tortured me as I was driving over the bridge gripping the steering wheel as if my grip would somehow prevent the image from playing out any further. Would that the grip would ground out the image from my memory.
There is a difference between facing things that need to be dealt with and waiting for things to develop rather than poking around looking for stuff to worry about. I wish I hadn't poked around for information that will eventually reveal itself. I wished I had faced the haunting memory head on instead of cringing it away.
Ignorance is bliss so choose what you want to know carefully.
Also, today I was reminded of something I did that I want to forget. An image tortured me as I was driving over the bridge gripping the steering wheel as if my grip would somehow prevent the image from playing out any further. Would that the grip would ground out the image from my memory.
There is a difference between facing things that need to be dealt with and waiting for things to develop rather than poking around looking for stuff to worry about. I wish I hadn't poked around for information that will eventually reveal itself. I wished I had faced the haunting memory head on instead of cringing it away.
Ignorance is bliss so choose what you want to know carefully.
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
What is Glorious Today?
Random as they are this what I find glorious today.
Tomorrow it will be 12 years that my brother Louis has been in the presence of Jesus.
That is glorious. What is sad to me is that I can't remember what his laugh sounded like. I keep hoping I'll hear someone laugh and it will jog my memory that would be glorious! For now I guess I will be content to wait.
I keep listening to this song "Speak O Lord" by Keith Getty
(http://www.gettydirect.com/lyrics.asp?id=94
"Words of power that can never fail
Let their truth prevail over unbelief"
And I find myself melting over the truth that has prevailed despite my unbelief. Truth that is full of power and relentless even in my desire to stay in muck and mire. Truth that is so true I can't give into the whim to be agnostic at times because God doesn't want to play by my rules.
What is glorious about this song and the rest on the CD is that the songs have the power, authority and gospel truth of the old hymns but they don't sound like funeral dirges and you don't feel like you need a respiratory therapist when you get done singing! I gloriously belt out the songs in the car.
Today, the pastor and I had a brief moment with Habbakuk, he read from chapter 3:
Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, 18 yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will be joyful in God my Savior. 19 The Sovereign LORD is my strength; he makes my feet like the feet of a deer, he enables me to go on the heights.
This passage raises up so many thoughts and memories... It is glorious to have this truth to hold on to -even if it is difficult to hold on to. It is a preventative or alternative to choosing agnostism!
Tomorrow it will be 12 years that my brother Louis has been in the presence of Jesus.
That is glorious. What is sad to me is that I can't remember what his laugh sounded like. I keep hoping I'll hear someone laugh and it will jog my memory that would be glorious! For now I guess I will be content to wait.
I keep listening to this song "Speak O Lord" by Keith Getty
(http://www.gettydirect.com/lyrics.asp?id=94
"Words of power that can never fail
Let their truth prevail over unbelief"
And I find myself melting over the truth that has prevailed despite my unbelief. Truth that is full of power and relentless even in my desire to stay in muck and mire. Truth that is so true I can't give into the whim to be agnostic at times because God doesn't want to play by my rules.
What is glorious about this song and the rest on the CD is that the songs have the power, authority and gospel truth of the old hymns but they don't sound like funeral dirges and you don't feel like you need a respiratory therapist when you get done singing! I gloriously belt out the songs in the car.
Today, the pastor and I had a brief moment with Habbakuk, he read from chapter 3:
Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, 18 yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will be joyful in God my Savior. 19 The Sovereign LORD is my strength; he makes my feet like the feet of a deer, he enables me to go on the heights.
This passage raises up so many thoughts and memories... It is glorious to have this truth to hold on to -even if it is difficult to hold on to. It is a preventative or alternative to choosing agnostism!
Friday, October 06, 2006
All Eyes on the Amish
I have always respected the Amish and the their way of life. But have wondered how a community that is often so closed to outsiders could every be a good witness for the gospel.
Yet, now all over the world all eyes are on the Amish. And they are certainly getting their chance to share the gospel to the world. As we Watch them live and forgive in the face of terrible tragedy just as Jesus would want them too.
It's amazing to me sometimes how I can miss the obvious. I have thought in the last few days: "Isn't great the world gets to learn about real forgiveness to see it lived out." I have been so focused on the "world" and yet at the same time the last few weeks I have been dealing with my own unforgiveness issues.
It just occurred to me like a ton of bricks, that I too can learn from the Amish what it means to forgive like the gospel teaches.
It is no concidence what goes on in the world. God uses it all to teach, encourage, rebuke whatever he needs to do in our lives. So I guess I need to learn to forgive like an Amish mother.
Yet, now all over the world all eyes are on the Amish. And they are certainly getting their chance to share the gospel to the world. As we Watch them live and forgive in the face of terrible tragedy just as Jesus would want them too.
It's amazing to me sometimes how I can miss the obvious. I have thought in the last few days: "Isn't great the world gets to learn about real forgiveness to see it lived out." I have been so focused on the "world" and yet at the same time the last few weeks I have been dealing with my own unforgiveness issues.
It just occurred to me like a ton of bricks, that I too can learn from the Amish what it means to forgive like the gospel teaches.
It is no concidence what goes on in the world. God uses it all to teach, encourage, rebuke whatever he needs to do in our lives. So I guess I need to learn to forgive like an Amish mother.
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
Innocence Lost is Never Pretty
“Perhaps straight, attractive, single women with an unfulfilled desire for marriage are an awkward reminder that all is not right with the world.” Connally Gilliam
Since I read this line in an article today, I have been amply reminded that all is not right with the world. And it makes me angry. There is nothing more sickening to me than to see innocence lost.
In the news today, at least three young Amish girls were shot execution style in their classroom. They have gone on to their eternal reward, but what of the rest of the girls, what of their brothers who could do nothing to protect their sisters and friends? A culture that believes in peace and is void of most any kind of violence has been thrust into a world we all see each night on the news but it hardly ever touches us. If anything our own hearts are so hardened to the evil in the world; we are not moved. Now our local Amish community is more than moved…Its innocence is ravaged.
As if that wasn’t enough, I watched a movie tonight called Water its about a Hindu Indian girl that becomes a widow at age 8. (Don’t even get me started on the ridiculousness of children getting married.) She is forced to live a life of poverty with other widows. She is cannot live with her family and she can never remarry. The pretty ones get prostituted out to help support the older ones. The movie takes place in the 1930s but the closing credits said as of the 2001 census there are as many as 34 million widows in India that are still treated with such abject disgust and under these absurd requirements, where as the Bible says to take care of the widows this Hindu culture does not.
I feel as though everyday I question God’s plan for my life. It’s like losing my innocence all over again. As if the knowledge that my anticipated baby brother wouldn’t ever come home was not enough. As if the realization that not all family members can be trusted was not enough. As if one man’s manipulation of my good judgment, so carefully instilled by others and cultivated by myself, was not enough. No, each day I have to harbor bitterness over innocence lost and lose just a little bit more of what’s left.
So I stood in the shower and wept. I wept for the Amish community scarred for life by a heinous act. I wept for the Hindu widows whose religion keeps them in bondage. I wept for myself because I think too much about what I don’t have and not enough about those who have far less.
And yet at end of the day, I will crawl into bed fully knowing that I am not an Amish mother who just lost her daughter, nor am I a Hindu widow who was too young to even remember her husband and now is old enough to want one and can never have one. I’ll lie in bed and think on the fact that I am “straight, attractive, single woman with an unfulfilled desire for marriage.” I am my own awkward reminder that all is not right with the world – especially my own.
I feel sort of helpless to the fact innocence is falling to pieces all around me -a sure outcome of a world that is not right. And the one thing I can do, which is protect what little innocence and childlike faith I have left from embittered-ness is such a tall task in my eyes. It almost seems easier to go to India and free the widows.
Since I read this line in an article today, I have been amply reminded that all is not right with the world. And it makes me angry. There is nothing more sickening to me than to see innocence lost.
In the news today, at least three young Amish girls were shot execution style in their classroom. They have gone on to their eternal reward, but what of the rest of the girls, what of their brothers who could do nothing to protect their sisters and friends? A culture that believes in peace and is void of most any kind of violence has been thrust into a world we all see each night on the news but it hardly ever touches us. If anything our own hearts are so hardened to the evil in the world; we are not moved. Now our local Amish community is more than moved…Its innocence is ravaged.
As if that wasn’t enough, I watched a movie tonight called Water its about a Hindu Indian girl that becomes a widow at age 8. (Don’t even get me started on the ridiculousness of children getting married.) She is forced to live a life of poverty with other widows. She is cannot live with her family and she can never remarry. The pretty ones get prostituted out to help support the older ones. The movie takes place in the 1930s but the closing credits said as of the 2001 census there are as many as 34 million widows in India that are still treated with such abject disgust and under these absurd requirements, where as the Bible says to take care of the widows this Hindu culture does not.
I feel as though everyday I question God’s plan for my life. It’s like losing my innocence all over again. As if the knowledge that my anticipated baby brother wouldn’t ever come home was not enough. As if the realization that not all family members can be trusted was not enough. As if one man’s manipulation of my good judgment, so carefully instilled by others and cultivated by myself, was not enough. No, each day I have to harbor bitterness over innocence lost and lose just a little bit more of what’s left.
So I stood in the shower and wept. I wept for the Amish community scarred for life by a heinous act. I wept for the Hindu widows whose religion keeps them in bondage. I wept for myself because I think too much about what I don’t have and not enough about those who have far less.
And yet at end of the day, I will crawl into bed fully knowing that I am not an Amish mother who just lost her daughter, nor am I a Hindu widow who was too young to even remember her husband and now is old enough to want one and can never have one. I’ll lie in bed and think on the fact that I am “straight, attractive, single woman with an unfulfilled desire for marriage.” I am my own awkward reminder that all is not right with the world – especially my own.
I feel sort of helpless to the fact innocence is falling to pieces all around me -a sure outcome of a world that is not right. And the one thing I can do, which is protect what little innocence and childlike faith I have left from embittered-ness is such a tall task in my eyes. It almost seems easier to go to India and free the widows.
Saturday, September 30, 2006
Liz Laughing
Pray that this will be me laughing at the "demons" I run across my high school reunion ;-)
Due Today
Today the questionnaire for the upcoming multi-class high school reunion is due.
For the last 3 months the knowledge of this has weighed heavy on me. Its one of the reasons why when I cleaned my room last week the only thing I didn't touch was my desk top. I knew I would have to face that dreaded questionnaire that wants to know the name and occupation of my husband and the names and ages of my children. All these questions would remain blank and I just didn't like the idea of rubbing salt into my wounded heart that longs to have answers to those questions. But alas and a-lack I don't have any husband or children and no real hope -at least today- of ever having them.
One of the other questions was "What is your favorite memory of high school?" That one I can answer: GRADUATION DAY! That should be a major clue in my history of high school. It was at time torturous; as I fear the actual reunion will be. But I made a promise to God that when I had a class reunion to go to I would go and face some demons. I won't mention any names... at least not here.
I carried the questionnaire to and from work for a week and half and then finally spilled my lunch on it yesterday. After I made new copies and considered that tomorrow is the due date and I have PMS the thought occurred to me do I really need to send it in? I can still go to the reunion as I promised the Lord many years ago. Suddenly, it was decided. I am not sending the dang questionnaire in! It will be challenging enough actually going to the reunion but I am free at last of this unnecessary burden!
For the last 3 months the knowledge of this has weighed heavy on me. Its one of the reasons why when I cleaned my room last week the only thing I didn't touch was my desk top. I knew I would have to face that dreaded questionnaire that wants to know the name and occupation of my husband and the names and ages of my children. All these questions would remain blank and I just didn't like the idea of rubbing salt into my wounded heart that longs to have answers to those questions. But alas and a-lack I don't have any husband or children and no real hope -at least today- of ever having them.
One of the other questions was "What is your favorite memory of high school?" That one I can answer: GRADUATION DAY! That should be a major clue in my history of high school. It was at time torturous; as I fear the actual reunion will be. But I made a promise to God that when I had a class reunion to go to I would go and face some demons. I won't mention any names... at least not here.
I carried the questionnaire to and from work for a week and half and then finally spilled my lunch on it yesterday. After I made new copies and considered that tomorrow is the due date and I have PMS the thought occurred to me do I really need to send it in? I can still go to the reunion as I promised the Lord many years ago. Suddenly, it was decided. I am not sending the dang questionnaire in! It will be challenging enough actually going to the reunion but I am free at last of this unnecessary burden!
Monday, September 18, 2006
Merging Matches?
So I was standing on a street in Chinatown (Philadelphia) with my match.com date. (Date #2 how's that for progress.) That's when I saw a familiar face walking up the street. Not only had I seen him before in person (and know his mother) but I had seem him on match.com too. I saw him walking with a woman and I wondered to myself "Is he on a match.com date too?"
I went ahead and assumed he was and then I had this surreal moment as 2 match.com dates converged on the same street and passed by each other. How often does this occur on the streets of Philadelphia or any street where match.com reaches and you actually know it is happening? The fact that you can even come across a random familiar face in a large city is a wonder to me. It was a surreal moment and you have to admit that it is the surreal things in life that seem to be where wonder abounds... or at least wondering abounds.
I went ahead and assumed he was and then I had this surreal moment as 2 match.com dates converged on the same street and passed by each other. How often does this occur on the streets of Philadelphia or any street where match.com reaches and you actually know it is happening? The fact that you can even come across a random familiar face in a large city is a wonder to me. It was a surreal moment and you have to admit that it is the surreal things in life that seem to be where wonder abounds... or at least wondering abounds.
Friday, September 15, 2006
Space Junk Watchers
So apperantly my room isn't the only place cluttered with stuff.
According to cnn.com, NASA says we have a junkyard of things floating around the atmosphere that occasionally fall to the earth in a firey ball and ding someone's car.
"Last July, spacewalker Piers Sellers sheepishly reported that he lost a spatula. Nicknamed "spatsat" by space junk watchers, it returns to Earth in a fireball early next month."
Now what flipping amazed me is not that there is a flying pancake flipper floating around space but that there exists such a people group called "space junk watchers"!! Who are these people? Did they O.D. on Star Trek as children? Do they wear pocket protectors? or carry Palm Pilots? Do they have greasy hair and shower infrequently? Do they get paid for watching space junk or is it just a hobby? Inquiring minds want to know!
"NASA and the Air Force track objects bigger than about 4 inches. The official "box score" of that space debris as of Thursday was 9,925. But the 90,000 objects smaller than that can be as dangerous, zipping around Earth at more than 15,000 mph. They are just harder to track."
These space junk watchers should receive our utmost respect, "as of Thursday" they at least knew where all 9,925 items 4 inch + items were... As of Thursday in my world I can't tell you were my old camera is or when I will be able deal with 145 emails in my inbox or if I will ever clear my desks (home & work) of debris.
Maybe the solution to my debris problem is to launch the junk into outer space for the space junk watchers to concern themselves with it. Perhaps I should check in with them -- maybe they have seen my camera!?
Ahh well its a wonder-full world out there and it takes people of all kinds with varying interests to keep it wonderul.
for more about space junk check out the link below from which I quoted.
http://www.cnn.com/2006/TECH/space/09/14/space.junk.ap/index.html
According to cnn.com, NASA says we have a junkyard of things floating around the atmosphere that occasionally fall to the earth in a firey ball and ding someone's car.
"Last July, spacewalker Piers Sellers sheepishly reported that he lost a spatula. Nicknamed "spatsat" by space junk watchers, it returns to Earth in a fireball early next month."
Now what flipping amazed me is not that there is a flying pancake flipper floating around space but that there exists such a people group called "space junk watchers"!! Who are these people? Did they O.D. on Star Trek as children? Do they wear pocket protectors? or carry Palm Pilots? Do they have greasy hair and shower infrequently? Do they get paid for watching space junk or is it just a hobby? Inquiring minds want to know!
"NASA and the Air Force track objects bigger than about 4 inches. The official "box score" of that space debris as of Thursday was 9,925. But the 90,000 objects smaller than that can be as dangerous, zipping around Earth at more than 15,000 mph. They are just harder to track."
These space junk watchers should receive our utmost respect, "as of Thursday" they at least knew where all 9,925 items 4 inch + items were... As of Thursday in my world I can't tell you were my old camera is or when I will be able deal with 145 emails in my inbox or if I will ever clear my desks (home & work) of debris.
Maybe the solution to my debris problem is to launch the junk into outer space for the space junk watchers to concern themselves with it. Perhaps I should check in with them -- maybe they have seen my camera!?
Ahh well its a wonder-full world out there and it takes people of all kinds with varying interests to keep it wonderul.
for more about space junk check out the link below from which I quoted.
http://www.cnn.com/2006/TECH/space/09/14/space.junk.ap/index.html
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
Clearing the Causeway
I have just watched the movie "The Secret of Roan Inish" so I am thinking with an Irish accent. It might help if you try to read this with one too. The Irish are ones for signs. Things don't happen merely by coincidence. There is always a Greater force at work. So with that in mind I also I'll tell you of my drive to Chincoteague, Virginia during hurricane Ernesto.
I left at 2pm later than planned by nearly 2 hours. The first hour was a breeze. As I was just leaving Dover, Delaware the half-way point my friend Carrie called to say the road to Chincoteague was flooded out by the storm and high tide. It may be a few hours before its clear. I was glad I had left late. It was up to me to turn around and face Labor Day/Rush hour traffic or risk having to get a hotel near to Chincoteague if the road remained closed over night. My gut said, "keep going" and so I did. I am trying to learn to trust my gut.
I held on tightly to the steering wheel for the wind and rain were driving hard. Above any other foods I was craving a grilled Reuben and since I might have time to kill I decided to go with my gut on this as well. Rather than stop at a fast food place I choose Friendlys. I sat by myself and it was ok. The wind was really whipping the rain around by the time I finished eating, but I pressed on. When I turned on to the road that leads to Chincoteague the storm had begun to subside and so did the traffic. It seemed to be at a standstill but sometimes I would move forward. I eventually figured out that cars were turning around or pulling into the corner stores and pizza shop. I saw RVs sitting in the parking lots and kids riding their bikes in the light rain. I finally decided to to turn off my engine -as did many others.
So what was the hold up? The road was closed. I knew it might be and knowing that was a comfort to me. After about an hour, Carrie called again to check on me and to let me know her husband had called the police and they said the road was being cleared of debris and I found out from a lady walking by with a pizza that it would be 2 hours more. 2 more hours I can handle that all right. The problem has been identified and the blockage is being removed. "Ahh," I says to God, "you are trying to show me something aren't you now?" God and I spent a nice bit of quiet time watching people walk to the store in the rain while I journaled what he wanted me glean from this here spiritual/object lesson.
I am blocked from more than just Chincoteague Island. Something has been standing in my way for years, keeping me just minutes or a few miles from what I want. But I have identified the blockage. Knowing what it is a comfort as well. I know the road is being cleared. I know that! In just a little while now I will be well on my way down a road cleared of debris. And I am excited to see what will happen once the blockage is completely removed.
Just as I was starting to really need a bathroom, I noticed a murmur on the streets. Lights were turning on and cars were stirring. I sprung into action as well -a half hour earlier than expected, an unexpected blessing... especially to my bladder. I arrived moments later (after 10 pm) to a house relieved to see me at long last (4 hours late). I might add they had no electricity either.
I fell into bed, kind of amazed at how God spoke to me through the blocked Causeway to Chincoteague Island and how this relates to the emotional blockages that have kept closed a certain path that He is now helping me to clear.
So I wait for the lights to go ... for that's how I'll know the Causeway has been cleared and will be able to reach what has been just out of reach.
I left at 2pm later than planned by nearly 2 hours. The first hour was a breeze. As I was just leaving Dover, Delaware the half-way point my friend Carrie called to say the road to Chincoteague was flooded out by the storm and high tide. It may be a few hours before its clear. I was glad I had left late. It was up to me to turn around and face Labor Day/Rush hour traffic or risk having to get a hotel near to Chincoteague if the road remained closed over night. My gut said, "keep going" and so I did. I am trying to learn to trust my gut.
I held on tightly to the steering wheel for the wind and rain were driving hard. Above any other foods I was craving a grilled Reuben and since I might have time to kill I decided to go with my gut on this as well. Rather than stop at a fast food place I choose Friendlys. I sat by myself and it was ok. The wind was really whipping the rain around by the time I finished eating, but I pressed on. When I turned on to the road that leads to Chincoteague the storm had begun to subside and so did the traffic. It seemed to be at a standstill but sometimes I would move forward. I eventually figured out that cars were turning around or pulling into the corner stores and pizza shop. I saw RVs sitting in the parking lots and kids riding their bikes in the light rain. I finally decided to to turn off my engine -as did many others.
So what was the hold up? The road was closed. I knew it might be and knowing that was a comfort to me. After about an hour, Carrie called again to check on me and to let me know her husband had called the police and they said the road was being cleared of debris and I found out from a lady walking by with a pizza that it would be 2 hours more. 2 more hours I can handle that all right. The problem has been identified and the blockage is being removed. "Ahh," I says to God, "you are trying to show me something aren't you now?" God and I spent a nice bit of quiet time watching people walk to the store in the rain while I journaled what he wanted me glean from this here spiritual/object lesson.
I am blocked from more than just Chincoteague Island. Something has been standing in my way for years, keeping me just minutes or a few miles from what I want. But I have identified the blockage. Knowing what it is a comfort as well. I know the road is being cleared. I know that! In just a little while now I will be well on my way down a road cleared of debris. And I am excited to see what will happen once the blockage is completely removed.
Just as I was starting to really need a bathroom, I noticed a murmur on the streets. Lights were turning on and cars were stirring. I sprung into action as well -a half hour earlier than expected, an unexpected blessing... especially to my bladder. I arrived moments later (after 10 pm) to a house relieved to see me at long last (4 hours late). I might add they had no electricity either.
I fell into bed, kind of amazed at how God spoke to me through the blocked Causeway to Chincoteague Island and how this relates to the emotional blockages that have kept closed a certain path that He is now helping me to clear.
So I wait for the lights to go ... for that's how I'll know the Causeway has been cleared and will be able to reach what has been just out of reach.
Sunday, August 27, 2006
Purely by Accident
I finally found what I was looking for -at least one of the things I was looking for...
At my friends Abby and Monica's old apartment we would hear this music that made me long to be a bellydancer. I would dance around in their apartment and threaten to go knocking on doors until I found the apartment playing the music so I could get my own belly shaking, hip moving, finger cymbal clanging CD.
That didn't happen, I tried searching online but that just went no where. Now its been years since I first heard that music. Today, I found the song purely by accident. I had no idea the artist would turn out to be an Indian rapper from England who mixed in the theme song from Knight Rider. So check out "Panjabi MC." I have no idea what they are saying... probably better that way. But the beat is great and if swing my hips right I might just lose my post-30 (years) pounds
I will say that I am super excited to have found something that I thought I would never come across again. Its nice when things happen purely by accident especially good things!
At my friends Abby and Monica's old apartment we would hear this music that made me long to be a bellydancer. I would dance around in their apartment and threaten to go knocking on doors until I found the apartment playing the music so I could get my own belly shaking, hip moving, finger cymbal clanging CD.
That didn't happen, I tried searching online but that just went no where. Now its been years since I first heard that music. Today, I found the song purely by accident. I had no idea the artist would turn out to be an Indian rapper from England who mixed in the theme song from Knight Rider. So check out "Panjabi MC." I have no idea what they are saying... probably better that way. But the beat is great and if swing my hips right I might just lose my post-30 (years) pounds
I will say that I am super excited to have found something that I thought I would never come across again. Its nice when things happen purely by accident especially good things!
Thursday, August 24, 2006
Now That is Glorious
I love the Lord. He heard my voice; he heard my cry for mercy.
Because he turned his ear to me, I will call on him as long as I live.
-- Psalm 116:1-2
I was talking to a future kindergartner today. I asked if she could write her name yet. With some prompting I got her to take the pencil. Oh the horror she held the pencil in a fist! The teacher in me writhed in pain. So I showed her how to hold the pencil the "right way" and she did an excellent job. But I felt sort of bad for correctly her. So I asked her to write her name holding the pencil the way she usually does and she did. And I noticed something and so did she.
I asked which one she thought looked neater and she said the first one (the one where she held the pencil the right way). Interesting I thought to myself. There was such a surge of teacher pride in me. I was suddenly full of hope that I be drawn back into that field someday somehow... because teaching little kids is inside of me. These teachable moments are glorious.
But that not all. What's even more glorious is what God taught me. How many times does He ask that we do something His way and we do it. Then, the opportunity comes up or we step out of His way of doing things and we do things our way.
Then He says ok lets look at the two, which looks better my way or your way... His way always looks better. Not always easier, comfortable or convenient but definitely better. To me this is glorious well He spoke to me and He was right. His way is best.
I will call on him as long as I live because... well... He is glorious.
Because he turned his ear to me, I will call on him as long as I live.
-- Psalm 116:1-2
I was talking to a future kindergartner today. I asked if she could write her name yet. With some prompting I got her to take the pencil. Oh the horror she held the pencil in a fist! The teacher in me writhed in pain. So I showed her how to hold the pencil the "right way" and she did an excellent job. But I felt sort of bad for correctly her. So I asked her to write her name holding the pencil the way she usually does and she did. And I noticed something and so did she.
I asked which one she thought looked neater and she said the first one (the one where she held the pencil the right way). Interesting I thought to myself. There was such a surge of teacher pride in me. I was suddenly full of hope that I be drawn back into that field someday somehow... because teaching little kids is inside of me. These teachable moments are glorious.
But that not all. What's even more glorious is what God taught me. How many times does He ask that we do something His way and we do it. Then, the opportunity comes up or we step out of His way of doing things and we do things our way.
Then He says ok lets look at the two, which looks better my way or your way... His way always looks better. Not always easier, comfortable or convenient but definitely better. To me this is glorious well He spoke to me and He was right. His way is best.
I will call on him as long as I live because... well... He is glorious.
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
Be Joyful in Hope
Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. (Romans 12:11-13 )
So I am guessing I am not the only that has every struggled with the idea that hope doesn't always feel like it is bringing joy. Otherwise we wouldn't be getting this encouragement from Paul to be joyful in hope. Apperantly, we need to be reminded that hope and joy are in cohoots. I have found though that hope is exhausting. Take for instance the hope of finding a good man who feels passionate about saving 'passion' for after he is married. Now if that isn't an exhausting hope!
When you are lucky enough to find a guy who thinks that way -you aren't attracted to him and shutter at the idea of kissing him. When you find a guy you want to kiss and more, he wants more and you want him to hold off until the wedding night. The hope that needs to be kept alive is that somewhere out there is a man who meets both needs -attraction and values. I hope the right one is out there for me, but I am exhausted from waiting trying hard to be joyful in hope.
We are stuck dealing with hard stuff here on earth, I guess that is why we are also instructed to be patient in affliction and faithful in prayer too...
So I am guessing I am not the only that has every struggled with the idea that hope doesn't always feel like it is bringing joy. Otherwise we wouldn't be getting this encouragement from Paul to be joyful in hope. Apperantly, we need to be reminded that hope and joy are in cohoots. I have found though that hope is exhausting. Take for instance the hope of finding a good man who feels passionate about saving 'passion' for after he is married. Now if that isn't an exhausting hope!
When you are lucky enough to find a guy who thinks that way -you aren't attracted to him and shutter at the idea of kissing him. When you find a guy you want to kiss and more, he wants more and you want him to hold off until the wedding night. The hope that needs to be kept alive is that somewhere out there is a man who meets both needs -attraction and values. I hope the right one is out there for me, but I am exhausted from waiting trying hard to be joyful in hope.
We are stuck dealing with hard stuff here on earth, I guess that is why we are also instructed to be patient in affliction and faithful in prayer too...
Sunday, August 20, 2006
I Wonder
I have been wondering. I wonder if match.com will find me a husband. I wonder if it is a waste of my time. I wonder why things that should have been said weren't said and why things that should have been done weren't done. I wonder if I will be able to decide which is the right digital camera to buy. I wonder what happened to my camera. Was it really stolen out of my unlocked car while I was at the Phillies game? I wonder why I have seen so many butterflies lately. I wonder if Jamie will write back. I wonder if I can really do the "homework" that was assigned to me. I wonder why the artist of the Little Golden book about God doesn't have any smiling children. Some have a look of wonder the others look blank and unhappy. I wonder were I am in the winds of change God said was coming. So I guess wonder does abound but I don't think this was the kind of wonder I was originally thinking of.
Where water meets rock...
...that is where I like to be.
I love to step from rock to rock as the water dances and splashes around me. As I sit by a creek and listen to the water move and bounce, I think about how over time each drop of water has helped make grooves and gullies in the rocks. There is something so exhilarating and yet peaceful about being near a creek. I feel very near to God. It is our trysting place. By a creek, God restores my soul, give me a sense of soaring freedom, enjoys my company or prepares me for what’s coming next in my life.
Life is a journey that makes each event, experience or encounter an essential part of the trip. From day to day, from hardship to triumph, from ordinary to extraordinary our destiny unfolds and flows. Often when we go on a trip we will pick up souvenirs and take snapshots. That is what you will find here snapshots and souvenirs from my journey through life... so far.
I love to step from rock to rock as the water dances and splashes around me. As I sit by a creek and listen to the water move and bounce, I think about how over time each drop of water has helped make grooves and gullies in the rocks. There is something so exhilarating and yet peaceful about being near a creek. I feel very near to God. It is our trysting place. By a creek, God restores my soul, give me a sense of soaring freedom, enjoys my company or prepares me for what’s coming next in my life.
Life is a journey that makes each event, experience or encounter an essential part of the trip. From day to day, from hardship to triumph, from ordinary to extraordinary our destiny unfolds and flows. Often when we go on a trip we will pick up souvenirs and take snapshots. That is what you will find here snapshots and souvenirs from my journey through life... so far.
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