A Better Way

At the end of the day, I always think what can I do tomorrow to make it a better day?
What new way - can I actually put into practice that will achieve new and better results? Results that will increase obedience, clear off the freezer top, no food crumbs on the floor, less yelling, more soft answers, more grace, less impatience.

Most days by bedtime - I feel a failure because I never wrote down that inspiring verse I want to have right under my freaking nose. I didn't pray enough. My house is in shambles. I caved and gave them grilled cheese and dried pineapples for dinner instead of what I made for dinner. Spent too much time on facebook and crawled into bed way too late.

The daily beating up of myself is taking its toll.

I don't see a way out of this thinking, failure is everywhere I turn. Half of what I think I regret, Half of what I say I regret. How do I stop these thoughts? How do I start seeing the positives instead of the negatives?

Then, out of the blue someone will come along and boost me up. Filling up the depleted. Reminding me that I am an interesting person, a pleasure to be around and actually have something to offer that people appreciate. I am reminded that the daily grind is hard but you do your best and trust that God is going to help fructify all the hard work I do.

Then, with that renewed strength I spend less time on facebook and start looking for small ways to make changes. Lately, this better way has me feeling less like a failure so I count that a blessing.

So Much Like Jonah

We studied the Prophets in Bible study this spring and Jonah was up. I was feeling way down, swallowed up in the belly of my miserable grumpiness. Who knows over what. Oh wait, I remember...but it doesn't matter.
What matters is....

Oh the ways I am like Jonah!

Even when I know better, I still don't want to go to the person I am called to go too because it is just too hard to talk about hard things.

So, I run.

I think of my needs first.

I want God's mercy on my own terms.

I feel like I am being punished instead of pursued.

He has me, despite me. (Thank God for that!)

So the interesting thing to me about Jonah -the book- is the untidy ending. Jonah is angry. He is frustrated by God's mercy instead of blessed. If it is possible for God to be frustrated and still sinless, then I would have to say He sounds a little frustrated to me too. When He says to Jonah in the last verse of the book:

And should I not pity Nineveh, that great city, in which are more than one hundred and twenty thousand persons who cannot discern between their right hand and their left—and much livestock?”(Jonah 4:11)

So the ending isn't clean but neither is life.
The ending leaves us wondering and waiting for someone who has the answers.
Someone whose compassion knows no bounds, whose concern for the lost is worth dying for.

God used Jonah to show us all how desperately we need His mercy. God also knew He would never run from the hard job of helping people understand what their right and left hands are doing.

So the untidy ending stands to remind us of man's humanity and of God's stubborn mercy.

A reminder I frequently need! 

Sweet Voices

It was dark. It was quiet. I crossed the bridge with lights all around; keeping pace with the cars in front. I was in my zone, focused on the lights.

Thoughts came of the multiple trips over this bridge each week to go meet up with friends. How many times did I load myself up and drive 45+ minutes to hang out and maybe just maybe meet someone special? Never happened that way.  But for a brief second, I was alone and I was headed to dinner and movie in King of Prussia. Unfazed by the distance or by how late I would be driving home.

Then, a small high-pitched voice called out, "Mommy?"  How did this happen? I was transported to the reality of my life. Her sweet voice a vacuum. A life I never thought possible 10 years ago, driving over this very bridge meeting up on the off chances...

Strange how even after 5 years into the parenting thing, it still surprises me. The fear of their non-existence was that strong.

In the midst of hum drum, their sweet faces fill me to the brim. They challenge me. They grow me. Their sweet voices are my reality. Their loud ones too.

Great Decisions

There is something to be said for daylight streaming through the window and two sweet and sleeping children.

There is something to be said for solitude and quiet during the afternoon.
Something different than bedtime.
Something rare and decadent.
Something that leaves me wondering...
     
What the heck do I do now?

The list is long! The time will fly by.
Do I nap, cook, wrap presents (it was Christmastime), catch up on QuickBooks?!

I decide to do the second most indulgent thing - the first being a nap.
I put my feet up and read.

I was inspired by this quote from the book The Best Yes: Making Wise Decision in the Midst of Endless Demands.

"Great descriptions (of people) are birthed from great decisions."

Just let that sink in.

A fitting jewel to find considering my eldest was taking a nap as a "punishment" for being disobedient - that is making bad decisions.

From there, I dozed for a few minutes woke up refreshed and inspired. I moved on to the Christmas cards that were pursing their lips at me to hurry up and get them done.

Its hard enough to decide what to do when one is sleeping but two is such an anomaly anymore. I felt the need to make the most of it but maybe making the most really has more to do with not doing and just being.

I made a lot of decisions on this day, some not so good choices. I think I made a good decision on this one thing though.  Maybe someday - some day very far from today- someone will be able to say, "Liz, she knows how to use her time wisely." That is a description I would be pleased to give birth to.