When on the verge of a birthday - a big one like 30 or 40 - you have a little time to prepare. The date is not going to change on you either. You know when it will happen. You can process and cry over it in the days, weeks and in my case months in advance. That is just how I work.
I process the drama of something before it happens so when I turned 30 I had had my breakdown about it months before. Though to be accurate I may have had a 2nd breakdown months after too!
When 40 was around the corner, I tackled it months before so I could make it a happy day.
But when the looming date is a closing date on a house. It is not a fixed date. There is wiggle room and a date that is out of my control.
You might say they keep moving my cheese.
My processing is all over the place. One minute I am thinking about paint colors and the next I am crying because its too soon there were things I wanted to finish up - classes, Bible Study.
So far I don't have a fixed date or a timeline to adjust too. So I am all over the calendar with hardly a dry eye on Sundays.
(written in the fall of 2015)
Friday, June 10, 2016
Wednesday, June 08, 2016
Peace on Board
We have been looking for a house all year. Looking forward to a house even longer.
When what we needed wasn't showing up the search area expanded.
Then we found a house. A house with character. Which we always wanted.
He liked it at first. I was not convinced. It is so far from my family (almost 3 hours) and certainly would require leaving our church. Which I guess I always knew would have to be the case though I thought I could transition out of a church that was 45 minutes away rather than go cold turkey from one 1.45 minutes away.
So I was told of a couple from my hometown who lives in the same area and was told they "love it" out there. So I did a little facebook stalking and based on what I could see they love it out there!
This peace - you know the peace that surpasses all understanding- washed over me, If they can raise a couple of happy kids there, so can we.
So I was onboard.
However, that has not stopped me from coming home from church everyday for the last month or more with wet eyes, a red nose and the regret of ever putting on mascara.
(written in the fall of 2015)
When what we needed wasn't showing up the search area expanded.
Then we found a house. A house with character. Which we always wanted.
He liked it at first. I was not convinced. It is so far from my family (almost 3 hours) and certainly would require leaving our church. Which I guess I always knew would have to be the case though I thought I could transition out of a church that was 45 minutes away rather than go cold turkey from one 1.45 minutes away.
So I was told of a couple from my hometown who lives in the same area and was told they "love it" out there. So I did a little facebook stalking and based on what I could see they love it out there!
This peace - you know the peace that surpasses all understanding- washed over me, If they can raise a couple of happy kids there, so can we.
So I was onboard.
However, that has not stopped me from coming home from church everyday for the last month or more with wet eyes, a red nose and the regret of ever putting on mascara.
(written in the fall of 2015)
Monday, June 06, 2016
Our Classic Fathers
I went to school for Elementary Education but honestly apart from Thematic Units I don't remember much about my classes. We may have covered Classical Education I can't recall a thing.
So to see education with fresh mother eyes and hear about Classical Education it was - well- it was eye opening.
Our Founding Fathers were classically educated. They produced documents that have lasted centuries. The people supported them, fought for them, fought with them and understood what these documents meant for them and their posterity. Over the years, men and women have willing laid down their life to protect the law of the land.
Over the years, our education system has failed our Founding Fathers by producing students who don't understand our form of government, why it is unique and why we as a Nation are an important force for good in the world. All you have to do is watch old youtube clips of Jay Leno's Jaywalking segaments to see how ignorant our citizens are. It is scary.
So I was sitting in the practicum a little spellbound and had this revelation.
200 years ago kids were educated in one room school houses and understood their form of government. And this was my revelation, classical education is needed to continue self - government. How can a nation of people who don't understand our Nation's documents be expected to recognize or even care when those documents are being trampled on?
They can't think for themselves. They do what they are told. They believe what they are told. They don't question or research if it is true. They believe what the tweet, post or anchorman says.
In contrast, the classically educated person is trained to ask questions and research. They have learned history so they can see it repeating. I don't think the average public school is doing this. This is why our nation is in such peril, no one is thinking.
Today, things are so dumbed down as it was designed. A nation of non-thinkers are easier to control.
We need a nation of thinkers to perpetuate our self-government.
So to see education with fresh mother eyes and hear about Classical Education it was - well- it was eye opening.
Our Founding Fathers were classically educated. They produced documents that have lasted centuries. The people supported them, fought for them, fought with them and understood what these documents meant for them and their posterity. Over the years, men and women have willing laid down their life to protect the law of the land.
Over the years, our education system has failed our Founding Fathers by producing students who don't understand our form of government, why it is unique and why we as a Nation are an important force for good in the world. All you have to do is watch old youtube clips of Jay Leno's Jaywalking segaments to see how ignorant our citizens are. It is scary.
So I was sitting in the practicum a little spellbound and had this revelation.
200 years ago kids were educated in one room school houses and understood their form of government. And this was my revelation, classical education is needed to continue self - government. How can a nation of people who don't understand our Nation's documents be expected to recognize or even care when those documents are being trampled on?
They can't think for themselves. They do what they are told. They believe what they are told. They don't question or research if it is true. They believe what the tweet, post or anchorman says.
In contrast, the classically educated person is trained to ask questions and research. They have learned history so they can see it repeating. I don't think the average public school is doing this. This is why our nation is in such peril, no one is thinking.
Today, things are so dumbed down as it was designed. A nation of non-thinkers are easier to control.
We need a nation of thinkers to perpetuate our self-government.
Saturday, June 04, 2016
The Wish
I read this book one day this summer called "Wish". Its about an elephant couple wishing for a little elephant. It was a story about their life together and their wait. This made me think of a dear friend who is still waiting for her own "elephant" to join her and her husband. It also made me think too about my own wishes...
This book converged with 2 other events, a week spent in the nursery during VBS, as well as my soon to be 3 year old in the midst of hardcore potty training.
While I should have had my fill of babies the idea of not having another is still too permanent to accept. There is still the wonder of who another might be or favor or tend toward.
The "advanced maternal age" risks, the expense, the lack of room and my current full hands - it just makes sense to be done. But the heart misses, what the heart misses whether its just lingering thoughts about the little lost one's void or the potential of another, closing the chapter on babies is still too hard to do.
I remember so well an episode of Little House and the Prairie where Caroline (Ma) thinks she is pregnant again only to figure out she is just starting menopause. She is devastated and feeling like half a woman.
The feeling of that permanency is heart breaking. The window of time is shrinking -fast- and I wish I felt more comfortable with that or felt fearless to go through that window -one last time.
This book converged with 2 other events, a week spent in the nursery during VBS, as well as my soon to be 3 year old in the midst of hardcore potty training.
While I should have had my fill of babies the idea of not having another is still too permanent to accept. There is still the wonder of who another might be or favor or tend toward.
The "advanced maternal age" risks, the expense, the lack of room and my current full hands - it just makes sense to be done. But the heart misses, what the heart misses whether its just lingering thoughts about the little lost one's void or the potential of another, closing the chapter on babies is still too hard to do.
I remember so well an episode of Little House and the Prairie where Caroline (Ma) thinks she is pregnant again only to figure out she is just starting menopause. She is devastated and feeling like half a woman.
The feeling of that permanency is heart breaking. The window of time is shrinking -fast- and I wish I felt more comfortable with that or felt fearless to go through that window -one last time.
Thursday, June 02, 2016
The Junior Arborist
So my little boy did a really cool thing at the Winterthur Touch-a-Truck day this October. He said yes to the Junior Arborist "ride". The arborists were dressing the kids in harnesses, hooking them up to a rope and hoisting them up the tree just like the arborists do when they needed to trim a tree.
So many time he frustrates me over the silly things he cries over (like today whilst typing this) or the simple things he doesn't want to try. But, I didn't see him bat an eye when we asked if he wanted to try this.
I thought he would be back out when it was time to step into the harness. He didn't. He stepped into the harness, got hooked to the rope and up he went. He loved it.
There was this little piece of me that thinks this is the first in a line of many experiences that he will do on his own. Things I have never done before, and there is a bitter sweetness in that, because he will have this rich exciting experience all on his own. I got to watch but I didn't go up the rope with him. I don't know what it felt like.
I do know it felt incredible to watch my timid boy do something daring and out of his element. I want him to be brave and take on a good challenge and feel the joy of accomplishment.
So many time he frustrates me over the silly things he cries over (like today whilst typing this) or the simple things he doesn't want to try. But, I didn't see him bat an eye when we asked if he wanted to try this.
I thought he would be back out when it was time to step into the harness. He didn't. He stepped into the harness, got hooked to the rope and up he went. He loved it.There was this little piece of me that thinks this is the first in a line of many experiences that he will do on his own. Things I have never done before, and there is a bitter sweetness in that, because he will have this rich exciting experience all on his own. I got to watch but I didn't go up the rope with him. I don't know what it felt like.
I do know it felt incredible to watch my timid boy do something daring and out of his element. I want him to be brave and take on a good challenge and feel the joy of accomplishment.
Wednesday, June 01, 2016
The Knitter
I looked out at the little 3, 4 and 5 year old faces before me. There were at least 10 children. We were discussing and reading from Psalm 139 : 13-14
For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
I told them that I can remember almost everyone of them being knit in their momma's belly. I remembered excited announcements, swollen mommas, tiny faces, ornery toddlers. What a blessing to be able to say I witnessed, this room of fearfully and wonderfully made kids being knit together to become the funny kids they are today shy, boisterous, still a little clingy, smart and wonderful kids.
Which makes the idea of moving away from them all the harder.
There are precious children out there where we will move to. But I don't know them yet. We have no history. I have no history or sweet memories with their mothers. Nor do they have any woven connection to me and my babies.
Just loose strands out there and I am just not sure I know what do with that yet.
To trust the Master Knitter, why is that so hard?
(written in the fall of 2015)
(written in the fall of 2015)
Lingering Drafts
Lingering drafts. I won't let you linger anymore. As I writer, I like to have some chronology to what I write. If I write something in October but publish it in June it irks me because it is out of place. Its not in order. It may lack a backstory. However, I also feel like I have cheated myself by not being a good writer or blogger. So in a feeble attempt to give some back story. This is what has happened in the past year.
We homeschooled with Classical Conservations.
We bought a house.
We moved.
We had to leave our church.
We have transitioned into a new community and are still searching for new connections.
Some of these were challenging. Sometimes so challenging that I was too much in the thick of it to even process it in a blog.
So I am just setting a schedule for each draft. And now because of a shift in my daily schedule and because I think writing is necessary for my soul to be whole, I hope I will be faithful to my words and this blog.
Because Hope, Glory and Wonder still abound and I need to be reminded of it too.
Monday, May 09, 2016
Why I Love Being Your Mother - 2016
I can hardly believe I haven't posted anything since August! I have a half dozen drafts sitting there waiting to be edited and posted...
But this tradition is too important to put off. So unlike last year when you napped while I did this, the 2 of your are buzzing around me eating Rice Krispie Treats "one more nibble" at a time, flipping back and forth between Legos and chalk on the porch and coming to me with questions and statements of various subject matter.
There have been so many moments and looks and funny things said this year that make being your momma the sweetest thing. Spinning the words together to capture each of you well enough is tough though.
Dear Walter,
This was a big year for you. You started Kindergarten and Classical Conversations (CC). You moved into a new house and your own longed for blue room. Like most kids you would rather play than do school but we are working on getting a groove so we can get done what needs to be done and have plenty of time for playing. You have become a Lego Master -in our eyes. The things you create are amazing because you are not just slapping together some Lego bricks but that the parts you put together have a purpose. Granted there are Legoes ALL OVER THE HOUSE, it is a small price to pay to see the deep joy it gives you to create.
You can read now. It is amazing to me. I love to see the little light bulb go on when you get something or when you figure out the answer to something. I love when your face lights up with knowledge. You don't like writing, but you have learned more about the geography of the world than the average Kindergartener so I am impressed with you!
The knowledge you soak up and pass on only continues to amaze and also educate me!
The greatest and best thing to happen to you this year more than a blue room... On February 18, you came to me out of the blue and said you wanted to have Jesus in your heart. So we prayed and you became a new creation. For this momma, that was one of the greatest days of my life -to know your name is now written in the Lamb's Book of Life. Though you are young to make this choice I can only trust that the Holy Spirit prompted you.
I continue to sometimes get lost in those blue eyes. You are pure boy, full of excitement so much so that sometimes you are telling me stuff about Legos or Star Wars or Star Wars Legos and my head is spinning with the details spilling out. You are excited and there is nothing better than seeing you excited.
You are a natural teacher to your sister and most of the time I know that you look out for her. In this year of transition, where we have moved away from MOPS, Bible study and our friends at church I have been comforted in that fact they you have each other. Sometimes you do each need to have your own space your but your care and friendship for your "Rosa" has seen us all through some cold lonesome winter days - days full of Legos, princesses, books, crafts, Daniel Tiger, SciShow Kids and Doc McStuffins and spoons full of peanut butter and Nutella.
These are just a few of the reasons I love being your momma.
Dear Rosie,
Well you have your pink room at last. Though now you want it to be purple. You say purple in such a way that I can not mimic it -at all- but I love the way you say it. You aren't a baby anymore. You are an opinionated little girl. You love tutus and dancing. I love to listen to you - when you don't think I am listening! You have little dialogues with whatever you are playing with - princess dolls, Calico Critters, Lego minifigures or stuffed animals. Sometimes you incorporate storylines from shows you have seen and sometimes you make up songs for them to sing. You have an imagination that is for sure and I love that! You also learn by singing. I swear that one day you will know the alphabet and it won't be from anything I taught but from a song on YouTube.
You love to "look at the babies" on my phone. I have a bittersweet chuckle to myself because neither of you are babies anymore! But it is a daily ritual when you get up in the morning to come look at photos on my phone. I frequently wake up and find that you are sleeping with me. I love the extra snuggle time.
Everyday. Everyday multiple times a day you tell me you love me. "Mommy, I love you" I will never grow tired of hearing that and repeating the same. I love you sweet vibrant, know what you want little girl. If you want to wear strips and polka dots together you will do it. Mostly you want to wear your Frozen dresses and tap shows. You are a little adventurer and you have a tender heart for animals including the recent mouse we captured. You don't think twice about picking up an earthworm. You want to be a "good helper for your family" and you are.
The other night when you were snuggling into bed, we locked eyes and really looked each other. Its easy for me to look at you and overflow with love and reveal in your beauty and sheer existence.
You looked at me in the same way though. In the day to day of life, the picking up of toys, making food for you picky eaters to feel you say, "You are my mom and I really love you. You are my world and I reveal in your beauty and existence." Well, it just made me feel incredibly blessed.
You make me feel loved my sweet girl. One of the many reasons why I love being your mom.
You are both the greatest treasures and the best challenges I could ever hope for.
I wish I could spin the words together to fully capture the many moments, looks and funny things said this year like "super cold water" and "too cold water" and so many others. My words will never do the job justice for you are both just so much bigger and more interesting than my words.
Love,
Mommy
But this tradition is too important to put off. So unlike last year when you napped while I did this, the 2 of your are buzzing around me eating Rice Krispie Treats "one more nibble" at a time, flipping back and forth between Legos and chalk on the porch and coming to me with questions and statements of various subject matter.
There have been so many moments and looks and funny things said this year that make being your momma the sweetest thing. Spinning the words together to capture each of you well enough is tough though.
Dear Walter,
This was a big year for you. You started Kindergarten and Classical Conversations (CC). You moved into a new house and your own longed for blue room. Like most kids you would rather play than do school but we are working on getting a groove so we can get done what needs to be done and have plenty of time for playing. You have become a Lego Master -in our eyes. The things you create are amazing because you are not just slapping together some Lego bricks but that the parts you put together have a purpose. Granted there are Legoes ALL OVER THE HOUSE, it is a small price to pay to see the deep joy it gives you to create.
You can read now. It is amazing to me. I love to see the little light bulb go on when you get something or when you figure out the answer to something. I love when your face lights up with knowledge. You don't like writing, but you have learned more about the geography of the world than the average Kindergartener so I am impressed with you!
The knowledge you soak up and pass on only continues to amaze and also educate me!
The greatest and best thing to happen to you this year more than a blue room... On February 18, you came to me out of the blue and said you wanted to have Jesus in your heart. So we prayed and you became a new creation. For this momma, that was one of the greatest days of my life -to know your name is now written in the Lamb's Book of Life. Though you are young to make this choice I can only trust that the Holy Spirit prompted you.
I continue to sometimes get lost in those blue eyes. You are pure boy, full of excitement so much so that sometimes you are telling me stuff about Legos or Star Wars or Star Wars Legos and my head is spinning with the details spilling out. You are excited and there is nothing better than seeing you excited.
You are a natural teacher to your sister and most of the time I know that you look out for her. In this year of transition, where we have moved away from MOPS, Bible study and our friends at church I have been comforted in that fact they you have each other. Sometimes you do each need to have your own space your but your care and friendship for your "Rosa" has seen us all through some cold lonesome winter days - days full of Legos, princesses, books, crafts, Daniel Tiger, SciShow Kids and Doc McStuffins and spoons full of peanut butter and Nutella.
These are just a few of the reasons I love being your momma.
Dear Rosie,
Well you have your pink room at last. Though now you want it to be purple. You say purple in such a way that I can not mimic it -at all- but I love the way you say it. You aren't a baby anymore. You are an opinionated little girl. You love tutus and dancing. I love to listen to you - when you don't think I am listening! You have little dialogues with whatever you are playing with - princess dolls, Calico Critters, Lego minifigures or stuffed animals. Sometimes you incorporate storylines from shows you have seen and sometimes you make up songs for them to sing. You have an imagination that is for sure and I love that! You also learn by singing. I swear that one day you will know the alphabet and it won't be from anything I taught but from a song on YouTube.
You love to "look at the babies" on my phone. I have a bittersweet chuckle to myself because neither of you are babies anymore! But it is a daily ritual when you get up in the morning to come look at photos on my phone. I frequently wake up and find that you are sleeping with me. I love the extra snuggle time.
Everyday. Everyday multiple times a day you tell me you love me. "Mommy, I love you" I will never grow tired of hearing that and repeating the same. I love you sweet vibrant, know what you want little girl. If you want to wear strips and polka dots together you will do it. Mostly you want to wear your Frozen dresses and tap shows. You are a little adventurer and you have a tender heart for animals including the recent mouse we captured. You don't think twice about picking up an earthworm. You want to be a "good helper for your family" and you are.
The other night when you were snuggling into bed, we locked eyes and really looked each other. Its easy for me to look at you and overflow with love and reveal in your beauty and sheer existence.
You looked at me in the same way though. In the day to day of life, the picking up of toys, making food for you picky eaters to feel you say, "You are my mom and I really love you. You are my world and I reveal in your beauty and existence." Well, it just made me feel incredibly blessed.
You make me feel loved my sweet girl. One of the many reasons why I love being your mom.
You are both the greatest treasures and the best challenges I could ever hope for.
I wish I could spin the words together to fully capture the many moments, looks and funny things said this year like "super cold water" and "too cold water" and so many others. My words will never do the job justice for you are both just so much bigger and more interesting than my words.
Love,
Mommy
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)