The Wish

I read this book one day this summer called "Wish". Its about an elephant couple wishing for a little elephant. It was a story about their life together and their wait. This made me think of a dear friend who is still waiting for her own "elephant" to join her and her husband. It also made me think too about my own wishes...

This book converged with 2 other events, a week spent in the nursery during VBS, as well as my soon to be 3 year old in the midst of hardcore potty training.

While I should have had my fill of babies the idea of not having another is still too permanent to accept. There is still the wonder of who another might be or favor or tend toward.

The "advanced maternal age" risks, the expense, the lack of room and my current full hands - it just makes sense to be done. But the heart misses, what the heart misses whether its just lingering thoughts about the little lost one's void or the potential of another, closing the chapter on babies is still too hard to do.

I remember so well an episode of Little House and the Prairie where Caroline (Ma) thinks she is pregnant again only to figure out she is just starting menopause. She is devastated and feeling like half a woman.

The feeling of that permanency is heart breaking. The window of time is shrinking -fast- and I wish I felt more comfortable with that or felt fearless to go through that window -one last time.