My New Year's Eve Prayer

Kill the compulsion God to be always on the prowl. Always looking. Always compiling a list of possibilities. Always thinking too much of someone who doesn’t think of me. Always, always, always, always disappointed and exhausted emotionally from all the work of looking and waiting. And it would be so easy for You to end it all. To send the one I am waiting for, searching for seemingly cannot live without or the compulsion to find him wouldn’t be so persistent.

We are living among emotional landmines and all the time being blown to pieces. Thrown all over the world of hurt and then we get ourselves a little bit back together and go back for more. Hoping maybe next time we'll make it through without getting killed again. That maybe next time you will answer our prayers. That you will bring us to him or him to us before it’s too late. Too late to have kids. Before we have no strength left and are overrun with bitterness and resignation. Before we decide to become an agnostic after all.

Kill the compulsion God because it is killing me.

Turning 33

My Birthday has now come and gone. I'll admit turning 33 was hard one to take. I thought I got it all out of my system 3 months ago, but the week preceding my big day on Dec. 22 wasn't pretty. I cried in the bathroom a work. I cried in the shower and at bedtime and at the chiropractor's.

My college friend says it best and it’s the reason for so many tears:

"Well- chin up girl. I know all about turning 33. 34 is in 5 months for me. My best friend is giving birth. 3 other friends are pregnant, others getting married, others loving being a stay at home mom. And here I am working hard because I have to. It does not seem fair but God has not lead me to a man to marry yet. So, here I will be ‘til then I guess."

Yeah that sums it up Friend. And I bang my head against the wall to figure out why it has to be this way, when I know that both of us are good women who long to be wives & mothers.

But there is nothing else to do but enjoy what we do have... and stay young in our heart instead of depressed. So... on my birthday...

• My roommate laid out beautiful breakfast then we went ice skating!
• For lunch we drank mimosas and ate fried hotdogs.
• I got a new haircut (of which I am very pleased.)
• Then, I went to dinner with 3 friends and a baby and they made me a pink cake (never had a pink cake before).

All in all it was a pleasant day. Thank God for that!

Switching...

If things look different it's because Janel is helping me switch to the new Blogger. Hopefully things will be back to normal SOON.

My Day Off

I had a lot planned for my day off yesterday: blood test, Verizon tech. coming to fix our DSL, baking cookies, and making ravioli - one of my 101 things to do in the next 1001 days.

I got up early. It is amazing how much easier it is to get out bed when you are about to do something you really want to do. What I wanted to do was get busy cooking, in order to do that I had to get to the lab for a blood test. The first place I went to couldn't take me... wrong forms for my insurance :-{
So I went to another lab. I walk in and there are only 2 people there -the phlebotomists. I saw one of them asleep against the wall and I said to myself, "This doesn't good." Just as I about to go get my blood drawn by "Dopey" Verizon called me. I'll spare you the details of incompetence and misinformation from Verizon; however, the actual tech guy did a great job! So back to the blood test with Dopey... I said to her,"Are you sure you are awake?" She said, "Yeah, I was just making poetry in my head." Oh brother....

Well, before I knew it she was making blood drip all over my arm. So she had to go to the other arm where I could *feel* her changing the vials each time. By the time she was done I was near to passing out. I was lightheaded and clammy. I had to sit there for a full 5 minutes to get myself back together again.

Making the ravioli was a lot more fun -although a lot of work! I will blog on the CWP about that, I think people will appreciate the recipes I made up as I went along the way. I will tell you mom and I made about 200. They are delicious. We still had a little bit of energy to go buy a "white elephant" gift for a Christmas Eve party.

All in all it was a good day off, very productive and I love productive days!