Really What is the Quest For?

Is the quest really for "time for myself" or is to feel less guilt?

That is what I need to process.

Here is a list things that leave me feel the mommy guilt...

Too many times I make my kids wait so I can read or post something on the computer.
I think my son might get too much computer/TV time
I think my daughter gets too much TV time (granted they are watching quality/educational shows)
Frequently, they don't get dinner until after 6:30pm
I am asked constantly to play and I almost always find a way out because I just don't know how to play trains the way he really wants me too.
I don't like to play.
I don't pray enough with my kids.
Right now as baby girl is simultaneously cutting 4 teeth, I let her pretty much eat whatever she asks for. Though I think there is a limit in how much dried pineapple an almost 2 year old should eat.  
As fun as she is, I can't wait for nap-time so I get stuff done.
Not going outside or forcing them to go outside on a beautiful day.


This list is not comprehensive by any means I could go on and on. I haven't even touched on my temper and tone in which I sometimes correct them with.

I am not sure that finding time to make felt flowers will ease the guilt of our terribly unscheduled mealtimes.

So what will?

Accepting or believing that I am feeling guilty for ridiculous reasons or setting a better meal schedule.

So I process....

Indiana Momma

I watched a documentary about the real "Indiana Jones." It got me thinking. How are mothers like Indiana Jones?

For me, I am on the search for a "Holy Grail," that sacred peace that will preserve my sanity as dirty dishes fly at me like rolling boulders and I trip over cars and trains like booby-traps in a dark cave. All in a quest for that one thing that eludes me - time for myself- actually guilt-free time for myself.
A daily quest that should be easy to find everyday but more often than not I crawl into bed having not found it. 

Time to read.
Time to pray on my knees.
Time to blog, quilt, make felt flowers.
Time to exercise without 45 pound weights deciding to jump on me as I make feeble attempts at crunches.

These sweet moments of bliss usually just get started 5 minutes before nap time dramatically ends.

It always seems more important to be doing something else dishes, laundry intermixed with facebook and news posts. The latter two suck me in with a force too hard to resist for someone slightly lonely, terribly tired and definitely procrastinating on figuring out what to have for dinner.

It serves more as a pseudo-time for me - speaking specifically of facebook- because it fills a small void for connecting with people but also brews up a terrible case of mommy-guilt.

Seriously something has to give, some new schedule or paradigm shift needs to happen because unlike Indiana's quest for archeological treasure my quest is not so out of reach if I could only manage my time better and or use a little self-control.

The American Flag Pin

So I took the kids with me to the PA primary election in May as we usually do. They (the election workers) have come to recognize us and enjoy watching the kids come and grow.

This time they gave Little Boy an American Flag pin. He loves this pin. For awhile he as wearing it everyday. He calls it, "My American Flag pin" and he makes me proud. I think he understands that it is something special and he frequently points out "American Flags" when we are out driving. Doll-baby does now too.

These small things are what will keep the American Dream alive. Kids like him who will grow up understanding that the flag and everything it stands for is precious. It is something we must be careful with and protect.

As it is Veteran's Day this week we are working on some projects for the Veterans nearby. I am thinking of my Grandpop and hoping I am doing him proud.

I wish that all little kids were learning this. 

More Millies

This summer a very dear woman, Millie, went to be with Jesus. When I was less than 2 year old, I would climb the fence to her house so I could get strawberry milk. Millie would call out to my mom, who had been cleverly coerced to fetch a "cup of water." Just that quick I was over the fence!

One day, Millie invited a very sad, young mom to a Bible study. A mom at a crossroads in life after giving birth to a disabled son. My mom became a Christian because of Millie's invitation. So, I was raised by a Christian mom because of Millie. Millie left an indelible imprint on our lives.

Millie is certainly not the only neighbor who left an indelible mark on me.  All the neighbors on my street Mr. and Mrs. V, Jeanie & John and all those that extended from them. They were neighbors you could count on to watch over us, look out for us and revel in watching us grow. We watched fireflies from each others porches, we shared cups of sugar and exchanged small Christmas gifts. Mr. V let me sprout seeds in his greenhouse, Mrs. V was always interested in my "love life" and I am still giving Jeanie bouquets of violets when I can time it right. All these "Millies" - these precious neighbors who were family by choice.

I find myself wondering - perhaps sounding more like mommyguilting- over whether my children will have Millies in their life. Neighbors they can count on. Friends who will watch out for them and enjoy them as they grow. I know that there will be Millies at church but somehow a Millie next door is what I crave for them.

We had a sweet elderly neighbor for a season, but she has passed away and unfortunately my son who usually remembers everything doesn't remember her.

So I wish there was something I could do to ensure they have Millies in their lives. All I can do is leave it to God and hope that His plan eventually will involve neighbors who will love and invest in my kids like my childhood neighbors did. So when they are 40 they can recall great memories of great aging people. If my desire for them goes unanswered for whatever reason, I hope I see all the other Millies out there for them who just may not be next door with a glass of strawberry milk, but in some unsuspecting place

Processing....

Post processing.

Reading over this draft I realize that it isn't just my craving for my kids to have good neighbors and playmates. I want good neighbors again too. I want people who I can connect with, entrust my kids to, and who have that cup of something that I may need. I want my porch to be inviting. I want neighbors who are friends. This has just not been my reality for the last 6 years. I want Millies for my children, but I also want them for me too. You can never have enough Millies.

The Process

Because Glory, Hope and Wonder Abound
I try to come back to the root of this blog, which sometimes gets lost. After all, its over 8 years old now.

I believe Glory abounds.
I believe Hope abounds.
I believe Wonder abounds.

At this stage in life Wonder probably abounds more than anything.

I wonder what we will have for dinner.
I wonder when baby girl will wake up from her nap.
I wonder if I will get 5 minutes in the bathroom alone.

I wonder if homeschooling is the best for us... for me.
I wonder if I am doing enough.
I wonder ... a lot.

Sometimes it may come off as worry more than wonder. I find it is frustrating that this is what is communicated more.

So I need to process. For me to process, I need to write. The trouble is time. But I have to find the time so I can get back to the abounding hope and glory...

So bear with me as I process. ... and finally post some drafts that I worked on this summer.

Visitors From Heaven

Last month marked 20 years. Wow 20 years since my younger brother went from being a "Visitor from Heaven" to a resident. He was a catalyst of spiritual growth for so many people and now his deformed body is perfect.

It happened that his anniversary fell during a week of remembrances for other visitors from Heaven.

October 15 was National Infant Loss Day. A day when we remember those babes full grown and lentil-sized who visited this world briefly. Too briefly.

It was also the week that baby Shane was born and within hours passed away - as was expected.

Shane's parents Jenna Gassew and Dan Haley found out mid-way that their son was not well and would not survive. So they made a lifetime of memories during the rest of her pregnancy doing all those things they would have done with Shane had he lived. Trips to the shore, baseball games, train rides...

In the process, they showed the world just how precious life is. A tiny life others might have chosen to remove, they chose to enjoy. Showing us how important each tiny life it. They cherished whatever time they had with the love of their lives. 

All these converging occasions of sadness, remembrance and also deep love within the same week.  I recalled the song we played at my brother's funeral. A song, I had heard for the first months before his death, but knew in my heart it would be played for him one day soon.

A Visitor From Heaven, by Twila Paris. A song for Little Louis, Shane and all the little Lentil-sized babes waiting for us - home in Heaven.