Mean-Spirited

There was this boy who lived on my street who ate green peppers like they were apples. I always thought that was weird and I kind of held that against him. He had a sister a little younger that me. One day a bunch of kids from the neighborhood were playing and for whatever reason, I pinched Green Pepper Boy's sister on the arm really hard. I probably couldn't get her to play what I wanted to play or do what I wanted her to do. Those details I don't recall but I remember the mean-spirit rising up out of me and flowing through my fingertips like a wave I had little control over. Pinching harder didn't change her stance.

I often think about that event and am astounded by just how much meanness there is inside me.

There was another time when I was much younger -probably 4 or 5- and I hit my best friend on the head with the Fisher Price house boat. It was done in the same mean spirited way probably because she wouldn't do what I wanted. Fortunately, she forgave me and as a joke bought my son a new and improved Fisher Price houseboat for his first Christmas. This one is of lighter construction. Green Pepper Boy and his sister didn't live on our street very long so I can't say what  happened as far as forgiveness goes. I do know that the 2 sisters who were there with us that day never really liked me or played with me after that day.

The thing that irked me - that led to the pinch and as I recall increased pinch intensity was "sister's" unwillingness to back down. My pinch didn't change her. My pinch didn't convince her. It failed. I failed. Thank God too because you can't go through life pinching people to get what you want.

After a particularly hard break up a good friend came to me and said I was being "mean" and I needed to snap out of it and find some new outlet and stop taking out my hurt on other people. I didn't realize I was being mean and in that case it wasn't my intention. I guess because I couldn't get what I wanted meanness flowed.

So it would seem meanness has always been a part of me which is ironic I think because I don't think I come across as mean. I guess its when you get a little closer to the heart you can see it. Or if I can't get you to do what I want you too. It starts to fester and boil over and I feel like pinching someone.

All this resurfaced this spring while attending a Bible study. Bible study actually had me thinking about stuff and we just went 40 days without any electronic babysitter-aka videos for the boy.

The results.... of that brilliant idea to be posted separately.

Green pepper's sister fresh in mind and my still mean-spiritedness reared its ugly head again. Frankly, I got busted again and realized I have to turn over a new leaf. Even if that leaf weighs more than a dentist's lead blanket, I have had no choice but to stop the flow of meanness, for a very important reason - I have an audience always watching.