A Series of Poems

 Sometimes when you feel a little lost writing poetry helps to find things out. 
And so, a series of poetry.

A Patch of Plaid 

Green and Blue on a field of White

Fresh - new - alive                                                                                                                                  answered? for a time

but

not enough

disappointment

muddy faces

cold shoulders, colder cocoons                                                                                                                      dead green and blue no more field of white

House of cards what do you hide? 

Contempt and Hostility 
Brokenness and pride
Who are you? 

They don't know
You guard your house of cards

Imagine

-if you prayed

-if you hugged

-if you let a kind word abound

but no

- too silent

- too frustrated

- too tight lipped

so what abounds?

Loneliness

-Coldness

-hostility

-Contempt

-Brokenness

I wonder, I imagine 

If the better stuff abounded who I might be now?

Joy Thief

"Comparison is the thief of joy"

And I have never been perfect

Forget things

Don't close things

Ask too many questions

Think differently

Expectations not realized

The wrongs always noticed 

The rights always unnoticed

So, joy steals away

All that is left is the long list of failures

If I were a book

I may sit tall on a shelf.

If I were a book 

I may be looked at with care.

If I were a book

I may be caressed and cherished.

But no, I am just thrown around like my words don't matter

I am not a book though

I am not his book.

Why did you renig?

Why did you leave me?

seemingly alone

I am in exile

You don't hold my hand

I can't feel you near me

I cry before you 

but only feel the cement ceiling on my head

I carry on watching, trying to be normal

To still not loose heart to not abandon what I know.

Half life - wanting more but I don't hear you.

So I stand and wonder why?

What did I do?

What can be done?

Won't you fight for me?

My Tribute to Kathy - Gardener, Mentor and Fighter

Kathy Vaczi spent most of her life in a wheelchair after being injured in a car accident. She raised 2 girls on her own, taught 2nd grade for decades, had a house built to suit her unique needs, fought for the needs of disabled people and kept an amazing garden.

Kathy was a larger-than-life type of person and because of this she left an indelible impression on me in my formative years. I am fortunate to have a treasure trove of memories and character development because of my time spent with her. 

I recall the time we went to the Philadelphia Flower Show. We ended up driving around from one car garage to another circling each level looking for a Van Assessable Handicap parking spot. The few spots were full. We just kept looking. It seemed like we spent 2 hours driving in circles and its possible we did spend that much time driving around. It was frustrating for both of us. A lesser person might have just scraped the plan and decided to do something else. But not Kathy. She was undaunted. Her persistence paid off; we eventually found an empty spot. We rejoiced and savored each display. She poured over the vendors dreaming up what she needed to make her yard even better. 

She taught me persistence and determination.  Kathy called on me to do some gardening tasks I wasn't always sure I could handle. Everything I learned about busting my ass for the sake of your garden I gained from her working me hard, pointing and directing - a little more this way or that way.  I remember vividly dividing up Hostas. I threw every pound of my little 100-pound self into dividing up those rooty beasts. I tried my hardest to make it happen, because I didn't want to let her down. Even though, I secretly wished one of her nephews would just do this task. I got it done each time and was sore the next day, but it was satisfying work.

Many times, I have taken on yard tasks - dividing up Ornamental Grass, turning over a vegetable garden one shovel-full at a time or went at weeds with the viciousness of a Viking. I managed each of those hard tasks because I had once done hard work for Kathy. She inspired me to work hard. She exuded determination and I should be like her. Miles and hours apart, she was always with me in the garden. She always will be.

She was a fighter, who used the tragedy to her body to show the world what can be done if you set your mind to it. If you work hard enough and if you have a good pointer to direct people willing to help, you can change the world.  Kathy fought for herself. She fought for others. She taught more than just reading and math but how to live life with determination, how to overcome the challenges that life throws at you and how to point and give good directions.

I am comforted in the fact that this great woman, who I always thought of as more than a friend, but a mentor has gone on to glory. I have no doubt she has heard the line we should all long to hear, "Well done my good and faithful servant." Her body is perfect now, no more pain, no more disabilities, and she can divide her own hostas now if she wants to.

You were a beautiful soul, and it was an honor to know you. 

Grieving -

(This was written last January and sat in the drafts for the past year. Ironically, a year later I find myself grieving an old friend on practically the same day - just a year later.) 

A sad Saturday.  The tears rolled down and they would not stop. I thought of Dave, Tom, Jim, Mike, John and Tracy 4 taken in slow drawn out covid deaths and one so sudden it hit like ton of bricks. I thought of the widows and the fatherless. Memories from decades ago were all mixed in up in these thoughts. 

If someone had asked me what I was doing. The answer would have been - grieving. 

Just so many deaths in so short a time. Men - pillars of the church - who had hundreds and maybe 1000s of people praying for them. The answers were not what we wanted or expected.

There was anger too because early treatment is key. But that is a rage for another venue.

There was relief. My parents were recovering from covid as well, but it could have gone another way. 

Someone said about Tracy - His legacy is people. 

Once upon a time I thought this Blog might be my legacy. But I think people might be better.

I was feeling burned out. Teaching classes, coming up with ideas not always having someone to help out. I was getting disgruntled but listening to the people talk about Tracy and how he poured into them. Person after person. He poured into me. I became a more active worshipper because of him. He gave me opportunities to participate in worship that this recovering Catholic hadn't known or felt free to do yet.

I want to be like Tracy and be known as someone who pours into people. To have a legacy of people. Maybe not as many as he did... but at least a few. There was a shift in my attitude about teaching and co-ops. I had fresh eyes to see that it is important and what I do for these kids,

I was thankful for fresh eyes even though they were still swollen from all the tears. 

Return To Joy

 A little phrase I have taken on as my motto this past year has been:

Return to Joy

Finding joy seems to be somewhat of a challenge. So when I am down, the shift to returning to joy seems all the more important. Not just for me but to encourage my kids to do the same.

I have been playing this song by Steffany Gretzinger No One Ever Cared for Me Like Jesus just about everyday for the past year. I don't grow tired of it.

These words convict me. Everyday.

These words are my prayer.

Let it be known in you alone
My joy was found
Oh my joy, my joy

Let my children tell their children
Let this be their memory

I want them to know me as a person of joy. I don't feel that I am yet, which is why I sing along as if it is my prayer.

I still have time to show them the importance of returning to joy, so not only will that be their memory of me, but also their way of life too. 

Far as the curse is found

 "Far as the curse is found" is a line from Joy to the World.  It has been song over and over. 

Sometimes though, a line in a song jumps out at you. On this night, while sitting with my old friend at a Christmas concert, we sang Joy to the World.  And the words became active imagery, I could see why we sing Joy to the World, 

Far as the curse is found - where is the curse found?

The sadness as Adam and Eve leave paradise.

The hands of Cain after he took his brother's life.

The boy who chose a life of drugs.

The girl who secretly ate all her Halloween candy in a short time.

The couple who has given up on each other.

The woman who abuses with her tongue.

The curse has spread like a broken dam and seeped and spread everywhere.

The curse is found everywhere.

But God.

"He comes to make His blessings flow" - "far as the curse is found". Coving over every spot that sin has stretched and seeped into. He covers us. 

The Bittersweet Week

This is always the bittersweet week. The week when one little one would have been born but was gone months before. But it was also the week when one small red head sparked into being. 

I wonder who you were, what you might have been, to know the unknown - I must continue to wait.

You paved the way,  and made her that much more precious.

I can't imagine a life without the one I am gifted to know and raise.

But to my little one, who would be 11 this week - you are not forgotten.

Musical Monuments

Today it has been 27 years since my younger brother Louis went to be with Jesus. It seems a fitting day to restart my blog. He was always a catalyst for growth for me.

There is power in a song to send you back through a time ...  I heard a particular song this weekend. Suddenly, I am back in college barely 20 years old, still nursing the worst broken heart I had even known. And newly mourning my sweet disabled brother's death. 

This new song was played over and over at the retreat I was on.

I have made You too small in my eyes
O Lord, forgive me
I have believed in a lie
That You were unable to help me
But now, O Lord, I see my wrong
Heal my heart and show Yourself strong

What else could I do but keep my eyes on him? Because I was shipwrecked. 

The message was the same as it has always been. Seek me, I am here for you. I will see you through this. As impossible as it seemed at the time, a great transformation was taking place....

 

Be magnified, O Lord
You are highly exalted
And there is nothing You can't do
O Lord, my eyes are on You

The ache in my heart was eased and friendship was restored. Sadness began to lift and the knowledge that I wasn't alone carried me through those last semesters of college.  I grew. 

I transformed. This song is a sort of monument of that time. A musical monument of a work done in my heart. And because it is a monument of a transformation, when I heard it again -for the first time in maybe 15 years- I was taken back in time. It certainly didn't take long for the tears to stream down my face just as it had back in 1994.

He that did a great work in me back then, He will do a great work in me now in my current shipwreck. We are always in need of transforming. But sometimes we need to be jolted into remembering when He has already faithfully worked in us. When we confessed, repented and came out praising. And know it will happen again.

I needed to hear that monument again.

"Be Magnified" By Don Moen

I have made You too small in my eyes
O Lord, forgive me
I have believed in a lie
That You were unable to help me
But now, O Lord, I see my wrong
Heal my heart and show Yourself strong
And in my eyes and with my song
O Lord, be magnified
O Lord, be magnified

Be magnified, O Lord
You are highly exalted
And there is nothing You can't do
O Lord, my eyes are on You
Be magnified
O Lord, be magnified

Be magnified, O Lord
You are highly exalted
And there is nothing You can't do
O Lord, my eyes are on You
Be magnified
O Lord, be magnified

I have leaned on the wisdom of men
O Lord, forgive me
And I have responded to them
Instead of Your light and Your mercy
But now, O Lord, I see my wrong
Heal my heart and show Yourself strong
And in my eyes and with my song
O Lord, be magnified
O Lord, be magnified